Curve balls, Arguments, & Advice.

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*Disclaimer* I'm not here to give advice, just here to share some advice I've been given!

  
    I know, I know. I can’t foresee the future and know exactly what kind of problems Adam and I may face as a couple.

    Curve balls are those unexpected things in life you can't see coming. Life has thrown big curve balls these past 28 years, so I know life has some more coming for me. However, I do believe I can be proactive by seeking out advice from every single person in every single walk of life. Sure, everyone has different issues, different life paths, but we all want the same thing. Love, happiness, and hope in a better future.





I started off my relationship with Adam in a completely different mindset than I had started off other relationships in the past.I wanted to be a problem solver, and a true partner to Adam. In setting that goal for myself, I've learned to be empathetic, to listen, and even when I didn’t agree that I TRY to see where Adam was coming from and his point of view.  This has also required me to do a lot of self reflection which has only made me into a better person.  It also helps that Adam is very attentive and also tries to understand my point of view. (I have been in relationships where this was one sided making it impossible to grow as a couple.)


I’ll give you some examples of mine and Adam’s disagreements, but first let me show you some tools Adam and I have used.
 
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LOVE LANGUAGES & THE ENNEGRAM

I'm sure you have heard of the 5 love languages by now. 



Which one are you? Take the quiz here!  (Leave your results in the comments below!) 


Adams: Words of Affirmation
Mine: Physical Touch

My sweet friend Jennifer Love-Hewitt broke it down best by using this meme to better understand love langues..


Which one do you like recieving?
Which one do you like giving?

For example, I definitely want to be held like a taco..aka Physical Touch, but i don't really want to hold Adam like a taco HAH! 

See? There's a difference!

The type of love you show towards your partner compared to the type of love you GIVE your partner are sometimes different. It takes effort sometimes to go out of your way to show love! 

ARGUMENT EXAMPLE..

Okay, this isn't really an argument but this is one of the first times Adam ever gave me an ultimatum.

  Three months or so into our relationship Adam and I were cuddling each other one night. After he spends several minutes pouring his heart out to me about how much he sees a future with me he says, "Raven how do you feel about me?"   I was thinking to myself, 'Well I'm wrapped up in your arms, and laying beside you, and drove 6 hours to see you and have to drive 6 hours back. Of course I am obsessed with you.' ...But I didn't say that... I just said "Good."  Adam slowly got up and said "Good? No, Raven how do you FEEL about me." and I looked at him blankly and said "Good, I feel good about you! And us!" He got up and said "I need you to say more than good. I can not be in a relationship with you not knowing how you feel."  Wow.. That was the first time a boyfriend ever cared how I felt, and I WAS obsessed with him, but finding the words to express that to him was hard for me. I didn't want to be vulnerable, but I also knew how important it was to him.
He needed words of affirmation.

*Disclaimer to you trolls, obviously this is not the bullet proof way of loving someone. It's just a fun tool to better understand a tiny piece of your partner...SO  don't come for me.*

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Enneagram

Now this is something I have seen celebrities posting on their IG stories A LOT lately!

The enneagram is a personality test that measures you based on 9 different personalities.
Even if you think this stuff is ridiculous- it’s still fun to take the quiz and maybe you’ll learn something about yourself. Have your partner take it too!

Click HERE to take the free test! Leave your results down below!

      Adam’s Result: 3 The Achiever                 My Result: 6 The loyalist    



To read more about your results you can click this link!

In Summary here are our basic fears and desires laid out by the enneagram.


Adam

  •  Basic Fear: Of being worthless

  • Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

                                         

                              Mine                                        

  • Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance

  • Basic Desire: To have security and support


    I didn't need to take a test to see how completely different we are, but these were a great look into the depths of our personalities. I'm not going to lie, these were eerily spot on. 


All of these things are great tools to have. Are they going to fix your problems, solve relationship issues? No, but they are a great tool to better understand one another. But when curve balls in life come your way, there's no better resource than those that have been through those situations. 

That's why Adam and I have been asking people in all walks of life what their one best piece of advice is when it comes to marriage and relationships. Whether it be a couple that had been together for 1 year or 50 years,  we always ask the same question and this is what I’ve gotten.


MARRIAGE ADVICE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE

"It's never 'me' or 'you', it's 'us' and 'we'- about to get married

"Don't do it!!" --- Less than a year.

"It's easy to take out your frustrations on them, but don't do it" -less than a year.

“Go to marriage counseling.” – Couple of 1 year.

"Don't ruin a dinner because of a bad attitude"- Couple of 2 years.

"There's good & bad days. Remember your vows on both." -Couple of 3 years.

"Dress up for each other, but have sweatpants waiting at home" -couple of 3 yrs.

"God 1st, spouse 2nd" --Couple of 5 years.

"Pick your battles" -Couple of 8 years.

"Keep Dating." -- Couple of 12 years.

“Never ever lie about finances.” – Couple of 38 years.

“It’s not 50/50 in a relationship. It’s 100/100.” – Couple of 45 years.

“Don’t go to bed angry”- Everyone.



In the comments below, tell me YOUR best advice! 



Wedding Advice 

Preparing for all of these curve balls, (especailly when it comes to the wedding day) I asked YOU guys on IG what advice you would give a bride!  

 



*Thank you guys so much for sharing all of your great words of wisdom!!*


Here are the TOP liked comments on my Instagram/Facebook!


WEDDING ADVICE

  • To take 5-10 minutes at the reception, step aside with your husband, and enjoy watching everyone celebrate your love! The time goes by SO fast, watching everyone celebrate the reason for the day is so special! 💕 @court_mack05 (85 Likes on IG)


  • I let my husband pick my perfume for the day. We shopped for it together, which was so fun! Now I wear it for special occasions and it always makes him smile.  @anniesanticsonthefarm (71 Likes on IG)


  • Write down a list of all the photos you want the photographer to for sure take beforehand! Sometimes in the rush of the day, important photos get missed. @missberkoismrsbrown (40 Likes on IG) 


  • And one of my favorite parts...before we did our walk out to leave for the evening, our DJ cleared everyone out to line up for sparklers and played one last song with just US in the reception area to dance to 💓 @alishablevins (26 Likes on IG) 


  • Hire a videographer!! Best money spent!! @kimmywunder (26 Likes on IG)


  • Take pictures with each of your tables there are so many guests I wish I got pics with @xosallyannxo ( 16 Likes on IG)


  • Um...elope? (Sorry, but so true.) @todda_vee 


  • -Don’t wear Shapeware you will sweat to death. Just for my personal experience 🤣. Maybe not the best advice I was given or half but definitely something important to know - Destiny Bray (Facebook)


  • -Hire a wedding planner!!! - Leslie Farley (facebook) 


  • -“Keep the main thing, the main thing” You’re marrying your soulmate. At the end of the day that’s all that matters. The mishaps, unplanned things, or extra stress will not matter when it’s just you and Adam standing up there! My grandpa always told me that in every life situation. It sure makes things less stressful. -Danielle Shroud (Facebook) 


  • -It’s you and you’re future husbands big day, so enjoy it, and make sure it is what you want! Have friends and family help create your dream wedding, take other peoples ideas into perspective, but don’t let anyone rain on your parade or ideas of what you want! -Amanda Nunally (Facebook) 


  • -Don’t forget it’s BOTH of your day. Remember his opinions and let him include a a few special things he likes as well. So many brides make it about what they want and what they’ve always pictured but never ask the groom if there is anything special they have always wanted. Weddings are not just for the bride. -Terren Davis (Facebook)


  • -It’s your wedding and you can’t make everyone happy. Christeena Mooneyhan (Facebook)


  •  Dont drink too much! You will want to remember everything!- Cynthia Mckinley (Facebook)
  • have and keep trust without it you have nothing with each other - Virginia Goff (Facebook)


Well, that sums up this week's #weddingwednesday ! Next week I have a huge huge surprise in the works so make sure you don't miss it! ..I'm even freaking out a little bit!!

Thank you guys for always sharing with me, giving me your feedback, and being a part of my life. I love every single one of you.

XOXO,
Raven




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    10 comments

    • Amy: August 21, 2019

      I agree about sometimes going to bed mad! Staying up all night arguing helps no one. Things almost always look clearer and feel better in the morning. From the beginning, my husband insisted he would never sleep on the couch because of an argument (I never would have insisted on that anyways). But staying connected in that way during times of contention actually is good for a relationship. At least ours.

      I also agree about keep dating each other! Especially when kids come!

    • Kimberly Dunbar : August 01, 2019

      I’ve been married for 31 years and my best advice is exactly the same as at least 2 others here- Love is a Choice! You don’t always “feel in love” but it is at times something you’ll have to choose. I’ve never entertained the option of leaving, I have gone to bed angry a few times- just needing to move on- and I’d find that whatever it was wasn’t as big of a deal when I woke up the next morning. And even when mad choose to put each other first and move on.
      I love that you’ve made yourself aware of the 5 love languages!
      Blessings!

    • Tiffany: August 01, 2019

      Never use the word divorce. Take it off the table day one. Remember that marriage isn’t about the feeling of love- it’s more about choosing to love your partner every day even when you don’t feel like it.

    • Rachel: August 01, 2019

      I love the comment above about DO go to bed angry. Now I don’t think you should do that often, but there are times when sometimes taking a break from the argument is the best possible thing to do. My husband is so much better as communicating than I am. And on occasions, when he keeps pushing me to talk.. I start saying things I don’t even mean. And if I will just take a break and gather my thoughts.. I can come back and communicate so much better.

    • Anonymous: August 01, 2019

      Do go to bed angry, if you need to. Sometimes once the morning comes you both have clarity and can apologize rather than going in circles all night when one of you needs to be up for work or for kids in the morning.

    • Anonymous : August 01, 2019

      Choose to love the one you found.

      It’s easy to be in love at first but when that in love feeling goes away because of time or life situations, you have to continue to choose to love. People have the misconception that once you’re in love and you find your person that loving will always be easy but that’s just not the case. Love is a choice we make throughout our lives together.

    • Haley: August 01, 2019

      Start counseling when you notice an argument coming back for round 2. Use it to reflect on small disagreements and see if you’ve actually resolved them or just swept them under the rug. It’s taken 4 years of returning to counseling every now and then but my husband and I have finally knocked out some of those pesky recurring arguments and we feel more united every time we do.

    • Peggy: August 01, 2019

      Marriage advice:
      Two bathrooms
      ❤️

    • Allyson: July 31, 2019

      No clear type or wings. Most type 6. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️

    • Autumn: July 31, 2019

      Never go to bed mad
      Always say I love you and kiss before you leave
      Never stop dating each other

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